Noah

1 Star (out of four) - Based on material as is

4 Stars (out of four) - Based on unintentional hilarity-May be a modern cult classic.

Okay.  We have all heard the scathing reviews of Noah.  There will be some of that here, too.  I will address both the positive and negative in this review.  SPOILER ALERT!  However, if you don't know this story by now, shame on you!  Go back to Sunday school and look it up in Genesis in that black book you can find in the pews.  We'll wait...

We're back.  We all know the Biblical story of Noah, except apparently Darren Aronofsky and Ari Handel, who co-wrote this steaming pile.  So, I will open by saying the movie bears a similarity to the source material in that there is a guy named Noah, some animals, a boat and some rain, but that's about where the similarities end.  Anyway, we open with the Fall of Man and now humanity has been split into two lines: the sons of Cain and the sons of Seth.  The sons of Cain turn Pangea into a choked and barren wasteland filled with industrial cities.  They forge steel armor and weapons at least two thousand years before the Iron Age.  This should be a relief to Bible literalists, though, as they say the Earth is approximately 6000 years old.  And to demonstrate how truly dastardly the sons of Cain are, they *gasp!* eat meat.  They number in the thousands, these sons of Cain.  On the other side is Noah, with his wife and two sons.  At the beginning of the film, we see Noah as a young boy receiving some kind of blessing that is transferred Jedi-like through a snakeskin.  Before the ceremony finishes, Noah's father, Lamech (more on him in a moment) is killed by the sons of Cain.  We then flash to an adult Noah, apparently the only descendant of Seth.  How the sons of Seth propagate is beyond me, since according to the story, the sons of Cain are evil and the sons of Seth can't live with them.  Noah is a veggan Jedi Knight of some sort because he kills people a lot with cool martial arts skill.  So one day, Noah Wan Kenobi has a disturbing dream where he sees the Earth and everyone in it drowned.  This bothers him, so he takes his family to see his grandfather, Yoda Methuselah, who helps him explain the dream.  They drink tea laced with magic mushrooms and Noah has a director's cut vision where a voice tells him innocents will be saved and then all the animals float to the surface in the vision.  Noah Wan Kenobi interprets this as the Creator (not God) telling him to build a big boat.  The problem is, what to do?  Pangea is a scorched wasteland with no trees.  Yoda gives Noah Wan Kenobi a magic seed to plant.

On the way back to wherever, Noah Wan Kenobi meets a rock monster (yes, you read that correctly).  Apparently, Lamech had fought the sons of Cain with a light saber (yes, you also read that right) with many of these rock monsters and whupped some major son of Cain butt somewhere in the past.  These rock monsters are fallen somethings (not angels) that are now mad they're stuck on Earth away from the Creator.  But Noah Wan Kenobi convinces the rock monsters (still all very much happening here) to help.  One would think it's like debating a rock, but that's how cool Noah Wan Kenobi is.  He can make rocks agree with him. Anyway, he plants Yoda's seed, a bunch of trees grow, and the rock monsters build the ark.  Animals come, rains come, people die after a pitched battle with the rock monsters and Noah Wan Kenobi keeping them off the ark.  Noah Wan Kenobi is so dedicated to eliminating all of humanity, that he even briefly becomes Darth Noah and attempts to kill his granddaughters who were born from a barren woman (don't ask), but at the last minute, falls in love with them and doesn't do it.  We then find out that the infallible Creator decided to change he/she/its mind and let Noah Wan Kenobi decide humanity's fate.  Oh, by the way, after the waters recede, our pious protagonist finds some grapes, invents wine, I think, and then goes off on an extended bender leaving his elderly wife and sons and daughter (not in-law) to do all the work of rebuilding the world.  And there's a rainbow.  The end.

Now, believe it or not, I have only scratched the surface with this plot synopsis.  It only gets weirder the longer you watch it.  Noah has about the same level of similarity to the Bible as Showgirls has to A Star Is Born.  I haven't seen this much blatant disregard for the source material since Battlefield Earth.  Just a few differences from the Bible just for clarity's sake: no rock monsters; Noah tried to save humanity, not eliminate it; he spoke to Gid directly and never wavered from his mission; he didn't need peyote to do it; actively pleaded with people to get on the ark, not beat them back.  In all points, Arronofsky totally subverts the important themes and lessons of the story of Noah to make Star Wars, essentially.  I'm not sure what was going through his head, but his story has strangeness levels that reach and possibly surpass the grandest heights set before in such movies as 2001: A Space Odyssey, Brazil and Zardoz.  The movie makes no real sense and doesn't even follow its own rules.  To make this even more tragically funny, there is so much real talent in it.  It has no less than three Oscar winners (Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, and Anthony Hopkins) and two Oscar nominees (Nick Nolte and Darren Arronofsky).  I don't know what Rasputin-like hold Arronofsky has over this very talented cast to convince them to play in this stink bomb, but they all seemed dazed as they muddle through the horrible script.

That all said, it is worth the price of admission.  This, by all accounts, appears to be a serious attempt to make a serious movie.  It is not self-conscious at all.  It is not slyly winking at us to join in the fun.  It is somber, almost biblical in tone and even ends with pompous and pretentious Bible movie-type music.  And this is precisely why I also give it four stars on unintentional hilarity.  This is exactly the type of film that becomes a cult classic.  You can't intentionally make a cult film, like Snakes On A Plane.  They got a name for that-it's called crap.  But this is way above that.  Everyone involved from the cast and crew set out to make a big Hollywood movie.  It is beautiful and pulled off well, that's why the one star instead of BOMB.  It is so big, so pretentious and ultimately falls so flat that makes Noah a wonder to behold.  It's like looking at the Grand Canyon.  Only by looking at the entirety of it does it make one appreciate the...awesomeness of it.  Noah should be viewed the same way.  Only by considering all the elements that brought this crapfest to life can you appreciate its total craptitude.  I sat on the theater shaking my head asking, "How did SO many incredibly talented people get it SO wrong?"  It is on par with Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.  The layers and layers and layers of badness just have to be seen to be believed.  And it is worth every penny if you go in with that attitude.