Forest Gump said "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.". The same is true for Rob Zombie movies. He's made some great films (The Devil's Rejects, Halloween), awful films (Halloween 2), and over-the-top ridiculous films (House of 1000 Corpses). But the two things I've always admired about his films is they are a.) ostentatious but well-crafted, and b.) he does NOT think horror films are misunderstood comedies. He actually thinks they should be scary in a horrifying kind of way, not a jump-out-and-shout-BOO! kind of way. Rob, like me, grew up with horror films that had a nihilistic streak a mile wide. The monster did not spout awful jokes and they did NOT end on a happy note. Compare the seminal films of the late 60's through early 80's. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Halloween, Friday the 13th, The Hills Have Eyes, Suspirio, The Exorcist, Carrie, The Shining, Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, The Omen, Rosemary's Baby. All of them intense, scary, and not a joke to be seen anywhere. They were endured, not enjoyed. Rob, so far, has subscribed to this story-telling mechanism for his films. And they, for the most part, have been really good. So I went into The Lords of Salem with great anticipation for another good scare.
But..
What I got was probably the most pretentious college student film ever made. Imagine if the worst nightmares of Torquemada, H.P. Lovecraft, H.R. Giger, Dean Koontz, Anton LeVay, Marilyn Manson, David Lynch and Ozzy Osbourne were vomited together into a stew and had a little blasphemy all stirred in for a little flavor, and you will have a good idea of the experience of The Lords of Salem. Kids should like it because it will freak out their parents and their parents will hate it, but anyone even possessing half a brain will see how stupid it is. Now, Rob Zombie's art has never been what anyone would call subtle, but this is just ridiculous. He is trying to out-devil The Exorcist, but it really just comes across as over-the-top buffoonery. Worse yet, it is actually well-made. Zombie has an eye for good direction, so what is supposed to be scary just comes off as pretentious. He's trying too hard to be outrageous, and therefore has made an unscary horror film. It's almost as if Steven Spielberg or Martin Scorsese suddenly made Plan 9 From Outer Space. It is that jarring. The only thing I can say is good about the film is the music is appropriately moody, courtesy of Zombie's guitarist, John 5, and that it is well-crafted. The problem is the story stinks. It makes absolutely no sense, hits every devil-movie cliche there is, and is just plain dumb. Zombie breaks my cardinal rule for any film: Never put in anything for its own sake. Everything must serve the story. Rob is so preoccupied with being outrageous here that he forgets to actually think about quality. Maybe outrageousness is the only way to make a dent in our desensitized psyches anymore, but plain old horror still works. Witness the like of The Seventh Sense, Se7en, or The Silence of the Lambs. All disturbing stories, but all great. Zombie is capable of these heights. I've seen it. I just wish he could consistently achieve them.
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