2 Stars (out of four)
If you really need to reexperience the adventures of Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone) and Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), go see The Expendables 3. It is a big, loud, dumb, and yes, stupid movie, but really, what did you expect? It is ridiculous, big, and a tad unnecessary. But is it fun? Well, sorta. Now, you may think I'm panning the movie, but I'm really not. What I was expecting to get is exactly what I got.
If you really need a plot synopsis, Stallone and team punch, shoot at, and blow a lot of stuff up. But there's a catch, now there's some new blood.
So, you may be looking at my 2 star review and look back on some of my other reviews of equally dumb movies (Pacific Rim, Iron Man 3 and Guardians of the Galaxy most recently) that I gave pretty high 3.5 star ratings and say "Why?". Well, the answer is a little bit of a mystery to me, too. It's no secret that all three Expendables are send-ups to the over-the-top, high-concept, high-octane actioneers that the 80's and 90's were famous for and that each (older) star was famous for doing. Rather than hide from it, these movies and stars loudly proclaim their roots. But the thing that separates a Sharknado to an Expendables to a Guardians of the Galaxy is something deeper. Partly it's because Sharknado set out to be (insultingly) stupid. As I said before, you can't manufacture cult, although Sharknado's second (and now recently announced third) sequels may prove me wrong, a disappointing and possible death knell for cult cinema. The Expendables is not trying to be deliberately stupid outside of the rules already set by an admittedly stupid genre of films, the actioneer. The problem is that it fails to cover any new ground, outside of just how many people it can shove into a film until they start to need name tags. It sort if feels like a retirement home for old action stars, which appear to be a growth industry, as evidenced by the group shots. The first was a lark, and they didn't know how well it would do, so it starts with most of the best (and a surprise cameo by the Governator, not shown) and sets the template below:
But lo and behold, it was actually pretty successful, so they got sequelitis and expanded. The funny thing was, this one is actually the most entertaining entry in the series to me. The first one played it pretty straight, but this was more of an action-comedy, with Van Damme actually carrying the movie with a pretty amusing caricature of himself. The portrayal really does make the movie a cut above the rest.
To now today, where all subtlety is thrown to the wind and throws in the kitchen sink as well. If you thought there was enough testosterone to choke a horse from the last two, this one will probably kill you. Although finally, there is a little estrogen injected for balance as the first woman joins the team. You have not lived until you have seen a champion MMA and Olympic-medal-winning judo practioner kick some major ass in a trendy New York nightclub in a red micro-miniskirt and 6-inch stiletto heels.
But in the end, what separates a movie like Die Hard, First Blood, The Terminator, or The Transporter from The Expendables is an earnestness to be more than it is, to aspire to be more than the sum of its parts. Guardians of the Galaxy does this beautifully. It never takes itself too seriously, and since it is not part of Marvel's A-List, it could go in exciting, new directions. The same is the case for each of the star-making movies above. We saw something different, something that distinguished it from the pack. Anyone that watched movies in the 80's knows how crowded this room was. The Expendables franchise is more like the All-Star Game in any sport. It's bloated with egos, doesn't really matter and is just an excuse to get the big names together in one place where they can just phone it in. I find it slightly amusing that it also seems to be a rehab clinic for the careers of disgraced former stars. From Sylvester Stallone to Arnold Scwartzeneggar to Jean-Claude Van Damme to Kelsey Grammer to Wesley Snipes to Mel Gibson, it seems any actor who has been in some big scandal eventually ends up on The Expendables to remind viewers why they loved them in the first place. Maybe that is the secret to the phenomenal casts: they are so desperate for a paycheck that they will star in anything (and not command A-List prices). The only one left is Steven Seagal. Maybe he'll make an appearance in The Expendables 4?
A quick note on Stallone. While he is an example of Hollywood bloat, he is vastly underrated as an artist. The funny thing about The Expendables is that it is sort of an indie film. It was also written and produced by Stallone, so it's partly his dime and definitely his reputation on the line here. I think he genuinely wants to be a great performer and make spectacles audiences will love, and he excels on both sides of the camera. He also, when he needs to, tries very hard and succeeds. Just take a look at the criminally forgotten Copland or the more recent Grudge Match where he and DeNiro essentially reprise their star-making and diametrically different boxers, and Sly shows what he can really do. While he struggled in the business at the beginning for awhile, even doing a porno (The Stud, renamed The Italian Stallion after the phenomenal success of Rocky, in case you're interested), his relative meteoric rise to fame after Rocky ruined him. He got the ego, the money and the pressure to remake lightning in a bottle and it crushed him for 20 years. I think he is just as culturally significant as Clint Eastwood, yet he never really is perceived as the heavy hitter Clint is, and I think that is a disservice to Stallone.
Getting back to The Expendables, the whole movie is an exercise in excess in every way, shape, and form, from the bloated cast, to the pyrotechnics, to the macho posturing, even its advertising. I can honestly say I have never seen so many different posters for one movie. Some of them are below:
The last two are amalgams of several, unique character posters. That is at least 36(!) POSTERS made for the movie. And yet, despite the hype, or maybe because of it, it is kind of soulless. I really wish it could at least try to take itself a little seriously and try something totally different. But what we got was just fine, I guess. From what started as a lark to bring in some familiar faces from the past one last time, boy, you've come a long way, baby. It may be big, dumb and meatheaded, but God help me, it's also a lot of fun. The ultimate thing to say about The Expendables as a whole is that it is like a burger and fries at your favorite restaurant-soulless and empty calories, but comforting and hard to screw up when you got the right ingredients. This is The Expendables in spades. The fan-made movie poster below encapsulates all of what I just said in one hilarious, final image:
And that is exactly what this movie is, one big, familiar burger and fries...with rocket launchers.
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